Secret Blog of Miss ReeVee

Incontinence and Social Responsibiliity

Shit!  I haven’t posted here in a long time and unfortunately for whoever is reading this, that is exactly what I am  posting about right now….shit.  I wish I could say the following anecdote was about someone else, but it is completely my experience, assed up only the way I could.  So I’m at work today. It’s about 2:30pm, lunch is long over, and it’s now leaning hard on what I had for breakfast so you can imagine that an evacuation is inevitable, but initially  my only real goal is to go pee.  So I hop to that increasingly urgent need and, of course the poop decides it wants to crash the party unexpectedly.  I’m never really one to discriminate about where to defecate, but at work I am at least very careful that the time and atmosphere is right.  No one is in there with me so, I just go for it.  All is well, right? No harm no foul, the soundless falling tree in the forest and all that, right?  Wrong!! 

Just as the last of the party goers rushes the door someone comes into the bathroom; probably to do the exact same thing, given that they make a beeline to the handicap stall all the way in the back.  I, of course, take up the socially responsible stance of freezing like a deer in headlights as if  no one will know I’m in there shitting if I don’t move, even though the stall door is closed (clue #1), and the smell of shit lingers in the air (clue #2), and I’m not moving or making noise in a room where, moving and making some kind of noise, whether pissing or farting, or rustling paper is absolutely necessary to get the job done. It’s very much like a child who mistakenly believes that covering their own eyes will prevent others from seeing them. 

It’s ridiculous and I say so to myself in the moment but I continue this charade until I hear the sound of their stall door closing and their ass hit the toilet seat.  But before I begin moving again, I also hear something else…”Oh, something stinks.”  What???  They’re on to me???  SHIT!!! I proceed to speed wipe my ass; four quick passes and I’ll be good until I can sneak back later with a Kleenex wipe. I yank my pants up, flush, and race to the sink. I know I’m up against the clock, the person in the other stall sounds like they are just about finished peeing, but I must, MUST do a thorough hand washing. I soap up with fury and rinse - thank GOD for automatic faucets— and rip a few paper towels out of the dispenser. 

Yes!! They’re still peeing. I’m good, I’m home free, I’ve managed to shit and run and keep my identity completely concealed. I head to the door now.  Wait! Let me get just one more paper towel to grab that nasty door handle with.  I reach out to open the door, but it’s coming towards me before I can get to it.  Someone’s coming in. Please don’t let it be someone I know, please, please, PLEASE!  Damn it!! I do know this bitch.  I offer a muted greeting and try to move past her quickly before she says….”Hi, MISS REEVEE!!!!!!!!!!!”    

Secret shit fail…..

Frienemy Attack!!!

So how is it really possible that twice now in the last 30 days I have been contacted (either directly or via a third party) by a former friend who wants to “reconnect”?  How can it be that not one but two people I’ve long since put in the past are trying to creep back in?  Does this mean something? Coincidence or divine intervention?  What does it mean, if anything?  And why is this happening now that I have just made a really good (up to this point) friend?  I’ve been discussing with him the fact that I’ve made some bad choices when it comes to my past friendships and now here comes frenemy number two knocking down my facebook door (I knew I never should’ve signed up for that damn thing). 

This frienemy in particular has an effect on my that I HATE!!!  She was always very competetive with me (through no prompting on my part) and it puts me in a mind space that makes me anxious, petty, and completely insecure.  On top of that, when we’ve gone through long stretches without contact, when she finally does reappear there is always something more to it than “oh, how have you been by the way.”  She’s always got an angle, always up to something, wanting something or needing something, and she always, ALWAYS seems to suck me right into her little world.  A world that is set up with all kinds of emotional booby traps designed for her to suck the life out of me.  She is, by the way a professional chi stealers and poser of the worst kind.

So here it is, this “friend request” that is in my inbox that I can choose to either accept or ignore.  I’ve already opted not to call one past friend and now I have to make the same choice with another so-called old chum.  This is hard for me, because I hate being mean and I feel like this could be considered “mean.”  How do you really tell someone, “no, I in fact don’t want to be your friend, even though we were friends before” ?  This is a hard call, I suppose tonight’s Reiki session is actually needed.  I’ll need to do some serious chakra spining about this one.

Reciprocity

Had a convo with a friend today about the above title and it’s presence in friendship and relationships in general. We have in common the fact that it hasn’t existed to the extent we’d both like it to in our respective past relationships.  I, in particular, have a habit of choosing friends who don’t necessarily believe in it.  My oldest former friend, for example, was very self-involved; always thinking her ideas were best, pushing her agenda over mine, wanting to talk about her issues and problems and quickly changing the subject back to her if I came to the table to voice my difficulties, etc.  Our friendship ended after a vacation gone wrong that revealed the full extent of her self-obsession. 

There was a part of me that always knew this about her and had questioned it’s impact on our friendship and my self-esteem many times before.  Was it really her fault that she was so self-absorbed, thus preventing me from getting what I needed out of the friendship or was it my fault because I tolerated it and didn’t demand more on her end?  How much do we owe someone else who listens to or takes care of us in certain ways that friends/lovers do? Should they stand ready to hold our hair while we puke, and wipe our tears after a break-up just because we have done the same for them? 

What if during thier meltdowns we are having our own issues at the same time, that while not as severe, warrent our time and attention and maybe even some TLC for ourselves.  Should we push that aside and comfort the more wounded bird? Should we expect the favor to be returned at some point or is that in itself just a self-indulgent whim?  When we are there for a person, are we really there for them or are we only there because we want them to be there when the shoe inevitably lands on the other foot?  Is giving really just a way of getting and is reciprocating just a veiled way of paying it forward to ourselves?

How many times can any of us count an instance where our good deeds have not been reciprocated in similar circumstances?  When our friend or lover is “too busy” or “tied up” or “out of town,” as the case would be, is that really an acceptable excuse to flake out on the implied promise that they would be there for us as we stroked their hair and soothed their senses with a hug? These are the things I think about when I am alone in my room crying and upset about something and there is no one there to say “its okay.”  I find myself saying it a lot more than I hear it and I have a problem with that.  How can that be wrong?

Reruns

What happens when people leave our lives for an extended period of time? I’m sure they go on living their lives, they change and grow (for better or worse), they move way past the person they were when we last knew them. But somehow we don’t (or should I say I don’t). If I knew you before and we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in years, you remain the same person you were when I last saw you. If you sucked then, chances are you still suck now. If I missed you and really wish we hadn’t lost touch that’s still there too. You were put on pause and only our next encounter will press play, or fast forward as the case may be.

So when I run into one of your friends (who now works at the same company) and she tells me she talked to you about seeing me and gives me your number why am I so tempted to press stop, rip your tape out of the machine and throw it away?

I really didn’t hate you then and I don’t now. I just really don’t want another DVD in my collection that I’ll never watch. :(

The Social Phobia

I am always trying to measure up. Social anxiety takes hold and I am always feeling myself wondering if the people around me are judging me.  Am I being too quiet? Am I boring?  Am I talking too much, too little?  Am I finding common ground by agreeing or am I just bringing every part of the conversation back to me? Am I asking too many questions?  Are they too personal, not personal enough?  Do they like me, think I’m lame, stupid, ugly, boring?   What are they thinking, good God what are they thinking???!!!

This is what goes through my head with strangers and people I’ve known for years.  I’m never completely comfortable and I’m not sure I ever will be.  This - THIS is why I’m not going to win a Miss Congeniality award anytime soon.  I’m more preoccupied with these thoughtloops than I am with the people I am trying to interact with.  It is beyond being a little shy, it goes farther than seeming snooty, it is legitimate, it is scary and it is debilitating.  So, please, if you know someone who hates crowds, backs out of social engagements arbitrarily or at the last minute, if you can’t take so-an-so anywhere because he/she is a bump on a log, please realize that there could be more at play than stubbornness, meanness, or snobbery.  That person could be aloof on the outside and freaking out on the inside.  Give them a moment to collect themselves, ask them how they are feeling, and give them a great big hug, because they really, really need it. 

Why??

After all this time, after everything that has happened and the things you’ve done to me and yourself; after not speaking to you for so long; after the pregnancy scares, being with women you know I hate, telling me you love me in one breath and saying that we will never be together in another; after looking at me like you love me more than life and then talking to me like I’m a piece of shit or you shoe….

After all of this….should I really still be in love with you?

Outsider

Is it normal to feel on the outside of everything? Family, friends, co-workers, just everything?  My thoughts tonight keep leading me back to one constant feeling in my life and that is complete and utter disconnection from everyone I know.  I always feel like l’m watching the people I know, love, or am related to on the opposite side of a window.  They are connected to everything but me. I stand there watching, wondering how we got disconnected, how so many things happened to them while I was standing right there and didn’t see. 

Is it wrong to want to drop them all and start fresh with new people; people I chose and not those that I happened to start with?  Is that wrong? Is that pathetic?

I hate traffic

How is it that a road with no lights, no stop signs, and no end be this backed up?